igniteurbones

igniteurbones @ 2007-03-09T10:42:00

2007-03-09T16:05:35Z

i sat down today
and took a look at my life
i analyzed every aspect of myself
things i hate
things i love
things that bother me
things that make me laugh
things i need that i dont have
things i want that i dont have
and things i had that i was stupid enough to let go
i love music, i love my friends true friends not drinking partners. i love being in love, i love taking care of people even though i dont always do it to the best of my ability, i love writing poetry even though its become a tad bit redundant, and i blame that on me continuously making the same stupid errors. i love the little things in life almost as much as i love the luxurious unnecessary petty bullshit.
i strongly dislike most people for no apparent reason.
i think its fear of letting myself expand intellectually.
i'm so comfortable in my little bubble that i call bayonne. everything is where i need it to be. my boyfriend is next to me. my best friend is around the corner. the illigit liquor store that sells to minors is just a few blocks away. my mom aka my enabler is just down the hall. and everything is easy. so why change?
why mess with something that is perfect? why grow up?
it's a fucked up view but it's become my reality.
after living in the ideal for a while, you become greedy. you expect people to put up with more and more.
you expect them to eat shit while you eat filet mignon. i hate injustice and i have been the cause of so much.
i have become the epitomy of selfishness. and that has to change because if i take all the qualities i hate and try to fit them to a specific person, i get a mirror image of myself. i am everything i hate. does that mean i hate myself? don't get me wrong i love my outer shell. the brand name clothes in the walk in closet of the 1.2 million dollar house, the m.a.c makeup in the antique vanity, the cappucino machine that always has my back, the poor polish immigrant who lowers herself twice a week to pick up after my lazy ass. yea, thats all great. but when i look deeper, i hate what i see. i think that's why i hate being alone. not just relationship wise but in general i hate solitude, i need companionship at all times because when im with people i focus on the irrelevant, gossip, television, a game of some sort, etc, but when im alone i think alot, and i realize alot, most of the times i realize things that i would rather not know. i've lived in the old adage that ignorance is bliss. but its not true ignorance is self deprevation, because knowledge is power and ignorance is lack of knowledge therefore ignorance is lack of power and living in this world you need power to get by. well, today i was alone, not a soul on my side all my bridges have been burned and i realized that i have become an ignorant bitch. no i don't mean a spoiled brat. i mean a dependent, hurtful, incompetent, nasty, bitch. and what scares me is that it came out of nowhere. i went from a spoiled child to a horrible young woman. usually children who grew up like i did become successful and motivated to continue earning what they had their whole life. i dont do that for odd reason, i just kind of expect it to keep coming. today i realized that it wont. im 18 years old. and i have nothing going for me.
i had a relationship that people in their 40's weren't lucky enough to experience. i ruined it with dependent substances. i had a best friend that would literally jump off a bridge for me but i ruined that by asking for too much from her and not bringing half of it back to the table. but today is a turning point in my life. I will get off this pedestal that i have been so comfortably living on and join the real world. its struggle its discomfort even slight pain but its real. i guess i have never experienced true joy becuase up until today i have never experienced true pain. i used to think waking up alone was the worst thing someone could go through. but waking up is a gift in itself. true pain is waking up alone and realizing it's no ones fault but your own. to know that you have become so unbearable that you pushed the best thing in your life away. even if they didn't want to leave - that just makes it worse. when they feel like they have to run, that it's just not worth it anymore. that's pain. and no one can take it away but me. hopefully the people i have lost will realize they love me and come back but if not thats a price i deserve to pay. this will be hard this will probably be long ... but in precaution to ever feeling this way again, i have to do it and i have to do it alone

woww soooo sorrry

2007-03-02T18:58:58Z

okay, im sorry i had to grow up... everyone does it eventually... did i say anything when you fuckin up and left me??? no i supported you and watched you replace me with 2 little ass girls and i even came and picked u up when you were upset and wanted to leave so don't give me that shit like you're a better friend than me.

watch what happens when you fall in love
and want to be with your boyfriend all the time
i hang out with you as much as i can
i see you more than he sees his best friend
so don't act like im the only one makin sacrifices
cuz we both know thats bullshit

whatever ... you see things the way you want to see them
you live in your own little world
and i'm not gonna try to change that

this is how life goes
you have your best friend forever
you fall in love with someone and yea, you and ur best friend
kinda drift apart just physically not at heart
but the best friend is supposed to understand and be supportive and be happy that you're happy
not try to make an ass out of me and make me feel bad for being happy
because plain and simple i dont
and if you would stop lying and just tell the fucking truth for once in your life
maybe i would react differently
but i doubt that will happen
its like i dont know when you're lying cuz i do and its more often than you tell the truth
you always say you're gonna change
"yea ill go to school yea im gonna be responsible"
look at that 2 weeks into your new school year and you already fucked up
cool.!

fucking people!

2007-02-28T03:16:54Z

a long long time ago
i can still remember
how that music
used to make me smile
something touched me deep inside
the day the music died

i really hate fake people

and i wish certain people
would just fucking stick up for me
i fucking deserve it
i give you everything i have and more
and you cant grow a fucking pair and just
stick up for me
i gave up time with my best friend for you
and you cant tell your faggot ass cousin to grow up????
she means everything to me
and you know that
and see that me and her have changed
and you're gonna betray me for a fucking fudgepacker?!?!
you think you and your "brother" are close
you can never know what me and her are
you can never come close
so don't preach to me about sacrifice
cuz every fucking day is a sacrifice
we were attached at the fucking hip
allllll dayyyyyy everyyy dayyy
we did nothing forever and were perfectly happy
but i changed that for you !@
you should show some appreciation
and loyalty where its due
not to assholes who rob you!!!

wow!!

2006-05-18T03:42:21Z

ok so it was me dan cait and ryan and we were driving around aimlessly and decided to go to this little sand park thingy that i still dont quite understand but wutev. so we park in a handicap spot and then TRESPASS into this creepy dark playground with a bubbling green lake lmao and then out of nowhere these spotlights come on and its the cops well make a long story short we left an hour later with almost 500 dollars worth of speeding tickets ! and that really sucked big time but its cool its gonna be paid for and put behind us soon and then back to partying woo hooo!!!!!
but yea somehow they still made it fun i <3 those boys and i <3 pat soooo much for saving our asses !!!
its patrick christ jehova watever teh fuck u wanna call it mccarry lmao
and then band practice tomoro ...that will hopefully be more fun

cigs

2006-05-17T20:55:12Z

eeeee i got a livejournal how exciting ok i just wanna see my fuckin layout so bye ! =D