i sat down today
and took a look at my life
i analyzed every aspect of myself
things i hate
things i love
things that bother me
things that make me laugh
things i need that i dont have
things i want that i dont have
and things i had that i was stupid enough to let go
i love music, i love my friends true friends not drinking partners. i love being in love, i love taking care of people even though i dont always do it to the best of my ability, i love writing poetry even though its become a tad bit redundant, and i blame that on me continuously making the same stupid errors. i love the little things in life almost as much as i love the luxurious unnecessary petty bullshit.
i strongly dislike most people for no apparent reason.
i think its fear of letting myself expand intellectually.
i'm so comfortable in my little bubble that i call bayonne. everything is where i need it to be. my boyfriend is next to me. my best friend is around the corner. the illigit liquor store that sells to minors is just a few blocks away. my mom aka my enabler is just down the hall. and everything is easy. so why change?
why mess with something that is perfect? why grow up?
it's a fucked up view but it's become my reality.
after living in the ideal for a while, you become greedy. you expect people to put up with more and more.
you expect them to eat shit while you eat filet mignon. i hate injustice and i have been the cause of so much.
i have become the epitomy of selfishness. and that has to change because if i take all the qualities i hate and try to fit them to a specific person, i get a mirror image of myself. i am everything i hate. does that mean i hate myself? don't get me wrong i love my outer shell. the brand name clothes in the walk in closet of the 1.2 million dollar house, the m.a.c makeup in the antique vanity, the cappucino machine that always has my back, the poor polish immigrant who lowers herself twice a week to pick up after my lazy ass. yea, thats all great. but when i look deeper, i hate what i see. i think that's why i hate being alone. not just relationship wise but in general i hate solitude, i need companionship at all times because when im with people i focus on the irrelevant, gossip, television, a game of some sort, etc, but when im alone i think alot, and i realize alot, most of the times i realize things that i would rather not know. i've lived in the old adage that ignorance is bliss. but its not true ignorance is self deprevation, because knowledge is power and ignorance is lack of knowledge therefore ignorance is lack of power and living in this world you need power to get by. well, today i was alone, not a soul on my side all my bridges have been burned and i realized that i have become an ignorant bitch. no i don't mean a spoiled brat. i mean a dependent, hurtful, incompetent, nasty, bitch. and what scares me is that it came out of nowhere. i went from a spoiled child to a horrible young woman. usually children who grew up like i did become successful and motivated to continue earning what they had their whole life. i dont do that for odd reason, i just kind of expect it to keep coming. today i realized that it wont. im 18 years old. and i have nothing going for me.
i had a relationship that people in their 40's weren't lucky enough to experience. i ruined it with dependent substances. i had a best friend that would literally jump off a bridge for me but i ruined that by asking for too much from her and not bringing half of it back to the table. but today is a turning point in my life. I will get off this pedestal that i have been so comfortably living on and join the real world. its struggle its discomfort even slight pain but its real. i guess i have never experienced true joy becuase up until today i have never experienced true pain. i used to think waking up alone was the worst thing someone could go through. but waking up is a gift in itself. true pain is waking up alone and realizing it's no ones fault but your own. to know that you have become so unbearable that you pushed the best thing in your life away. even if they didn't want to leave - that just makes it worse. when they feel like they have to run, that it's just not worth it anymore. that's pain. and no one can take it away but me. hopefully the people i have lost will realize they love me and come back but if not thats a price i deserve to pay. this will be hard this will probably be long ... but in precaution to ever feeling this way again, i have to do it and i have to do it alone
Current Mood: 
awake
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igniteurbones's journal
aggravated
enraged
poor dan vag